Stress-Depressed

I'm struggling a lot with depression lately; not anything suicidal, but the kind that renders away all motivation and excitement. I'm not sure what exactly the problem is. I have so much to be thankful for and look forward to, but unlike the majority of folks with no options, I feel like I have too many choices.

I'm overwhelmed by a BIG move, being forced out of my own hometown, being forced to get back to work, I feel the pressure to complete my degree, and most recently, it's become STRESSFULLY obvious that NO ONE, NOBODY, NO OTHER PERSON on this planet is responsible for helping me watch my own children. I know that seems like a loaded statement, but for some reason, I was fooled by a lot of "friends" who seemed to understand my unique predicament and wanted to "help". Granted, nobody helps for free so I did all I could to show my appreciation. All I had was the ability to buy groceries for their household in lieu of compensation for their "assistance". I also helped any other way I could, but that was limited by many other practical and/or economical factors.

I haven't met one person tasked with all of the same circumstances AND having to deal with the CONSTANT demands of four very young children (including a set of twins) with ZERO child support from Doctor Sperm. I'm a pioneer in a single-mom universe. I am actually more isolated now than I was while I was married to the Narcissist. I don't have family nearby who can (or want to) help at all and the one person who is nearby is physically disabled and the other who IS capable with the means to help isn't willing or practical. He actually wants me to put his own blood grandchildren up for adoption - wow!

The youngest child is not fathered by the Narc. Non-Narc Dad does help significantly, but he went from being autonomously single with no children to being part of a family and the father-figure to FOUR children. Simply put, he's in over his eyeballs. He is my hero still; he bought me an awesome minivan with every penny he had saved up. Now I can at least travel around town and run errands with ALL four of my children safely in proper cars seats (another reason I was so previously needy of "help" watching my own kids).

Now, I'm faced with trying to pack an entire house and move it across country WITH the children underfoot because no one wants to "enable me" unless of course they get paid (which I just don't have).

Perhaps this is why I'm stressed and depressed?!??
Regardless, I want out of this funk, but it's like digging a hole in desert sand.

Until next time folks, keep on keepin' on.

OBSESSED!

It's been said by people around me that I'm obsessed. It's even gone as far as saying I'm still in love with 'him'. It is so frustrating to live in a very small world where the only people who understand what I'm dealing with are other folks who are dealing with a psychopath. So far, EVERYONE who has been in my life since before the divorce has grossly underestimated the endurance of my pet Narcissist. All matters have been ruled on by one court or another, but unfortunately, family court is in the business of perpetuating their own case load. My attorney has graciously accepted a discounted flat payment for helping me, but I know he probably felt the psychopath would give up sooner than later. To his credit, we all felt that way. I mean, who would spend thousands and thousands of dollars trying to overturn a Juvenile court JUDGE (not a commissioner). BUT, I'm the one labeled with 'OBSESSED'. The only person who did not call me obsessed was a girl who could put my "obsession" to shame. I've shown the courts all I can show and I let them decided for themselves. Funny, the longer my Narcopath keeps up his assault in court, the more he gives them in ammunition.
My obsession comes into play when I spend hours of time mounting a paper battle against him. It's not even against him, it's simply to keep those involved in my case apprised of updates and the facts of the case. I can't help that it takes 10 pages to summarize the chaos created by "the other side". When you are formally charged (later dismissed) with "failure to protect" the very babies I birthed out of my body, it launches an unmistakable, assertive defense against future allegations. The average human being calls it "obsessive". Those of you in the know call it proactive. Still, when forced to rely on friends, family, childcare because you are fighting pure evil itself (and trying to stay one step ahead of it), they grow weary and impatient quickly.
When all is said and done, be on the safer end of things and portray the MODESTLY protective parent; not overboard or overbearing, but safe and mentally stable.

It's not all it seems...

Supervised visitation is a two-edged sword. On one hand, as the protective non-disordered parent, we are thankful that the visits are supervised and that our children will return with all their fingers, toes, arms and eyes. We are relieved they will return at all. On the other hand, so many monitors drop the ball. I even warn them about the comments said to the children like
"your mom is the one lying the judge, not me."
"The battle between your mom and I is almost over and I'm going to win."
"I would see you more, but your mother is making it difficult."
"I would see you more, but your mother is making me pay to see you."
(Forcing our son to read the Ten Commandments at age 7, when they got to adultery and coveting thy neighbors wife:) "Do you understand that's what you mother is doing with XXX?"
ALL SAID WHILE BEING SUPERVISED. 
Be careful who your monitor is. Ask to see an example of their reports before you choose them. Find out if they are experienced with personality disordered individuals. My monitor has a background in psychology and her reports are so generic (basically what time everyone showed up) that they could be reflected as good on the father. 
Be very cautious and thorough. Do your research and make THEM sign agreeing to adhere to the rules of the state (which they will argue they do because they are certified). They will make you agree to their rules. Make them agree to yours.

A car full of lies!

Surprise surprise today!

As I wait in the parking lot of our visitation spot, lo and behold comes Dr. Deadbeat in a new car. As he makes his token support payments and makes his excuses to Child Support Enforcement as to why he can't pay more, I get to see this. So tragic to hold my tongue for 15 years as my daughters dote over him. Little do they know or comprehend how their father doesn't care enough to support their dreams of dance lessons and gymnastics. Just breaks my heart! 
It's infuriating that people help him hide though. A certain small time dealer covering up the sale for him by "loaning" it to him (still has dealer plates)! He knows that if it goes into his name, I can attach a lein on it for the $10k he owes me.
Shame on them!